Humanness

Written in: Stockholm, Sweden

Date: February 16, 2009

Photo Credit: JP Barbosa

I am always so pleased to read about pieces of humanness in all of us. We can always relate to each others human nature, especially our states of nostalgia, sacred memories, and longing. Although a cliche, sometimes I do feel like a trapped bird in a cage. Trapped in this life of responsibility and process. The process I love because it is the journey that matters in life the most, and not the destination. However, I wish that sometimes my 'process' was a bit more exciting, a bit more alive, a bit more of... something else. Fire perhaps. Passion. Craziness and spontaneity. Adventure. Complete freedom.

The endless questions, the desire to make more predictible what isn't. The constant desire and dreams to be with a man that will love me for life. The desire to be nomadic and not to worry about money, or job, or destination. To be able to be with my parents and take care of them when they need me. To be able to express this immense gratitude to them for raising me and teaching me the way that they have. All of these fleeting moments of thought are so precious, and so enjoyable. What wonder is our imagination! Sometimes I feel like I can have my own secret world in my head of dreams. Beautiful dreams, some of which have become real.

Perhaps it is true that it all starts with a dream. That it is possible to turn something seemingly impossible into reality. It is important to believe, but not to believe blindly. I often wish I will some day tap into my most sacred intelligence. Intelligence, where I can find my genius. I don't believe that people 'are' geniuses, but rather that people 'have' genius. These moments, or years, of extraordinary brilliance are never ours to hold. It is so delicate and illusory that if we try to keep it, we lose it. An author, Elizabeth Gilbert had a great talk about this on TED (http://www.ted.com/). She is such a special woman: funny, beautiful, intelligent, humble, and just lovely. Her talk really inspired me to believe in whatever I do, since often, when things get really hard, I want to run. I want someone to open the cage and let me go. Over the years I realized that in moments like this it is so important to just keep going, to keep writing that paper that I think is just THE WORST in the whole world. To just keep going on keeping going, because the moment, perhaps even a flash, of brilliance will return and it will colour the work with colours unimaginable. So what plays a role here, patience or perserverance, or focus, or all? Does it even matter?

Perhaps what is most important in this is having the heart. It is feeling the love in all that one does. I often feel so much love, so much of this sacred inner energy-- and often I feel it dies somehow without being properly released. I mean, released with a purpose. There is a lot of creative power in this. I just have to find the right channel to tap into it. Perhaps I just have to see it. Simple.